sometimes things just don't happen the way you want it to. no matter how hard you pray and how much effort you put into things, things don't occur the way you want it to. it sucks mad because i have to wear a smile despite knowing i am disappointed inside. terribly disappointed in myself. i have to wear a smile, trying to convince myself it is alright. but who am i trying to bluff? everyone can tell it is a facade. friends shower their concerns and i really appreciate that. but sometimes, these concerns actually cut even deeper because i tend to compare myself to them. we all put in the same amount of effort, why is it that i cannot be recognised for my efforts? i really really am tired. tired of failures. every time i pick myself up, i tell myself never mind, i will treat it as a lesson learnt. but now, i am bruised all over from head to toe, testament to the numerous failures i have dealt with. i cannot afford to fall anymore. people ought to see more beneath the surface. i have said this many times, my optimism is a facade. no one has managed to see through that still.
it will be better tomorrow. how many times can i say this to myself, i shall count. i am still waiting for the day i can proudly say i have recovered from my "injuries".

i am disintegrating. :(